


At Any Cost

by Quasi_Verbatim



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Other, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2013-11-26
Packaged: 2018-01-02 17:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1059345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quasi_Verbatim/pseuds/Quasi_Verbatim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world couldn’t afford to have her as their avatar. So she would give them the avatar they deserved.</p>
<p>M rating for suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Any Cost

**Author's Note:**

> (I wrote this shortly after the first season finale and only recently posted it on FFN. It was a three parter, but I collapsed it into one piece here. This was written under the premise of Korra getting her bending back being an impossibility. As a disclaimer I would like to say that I don’t own the Legend of Korra or any of it’s material, and I DO NOT condone suicide; I simply wrote this as a writing exercise. There is nothing ‘romantic’ about suicide and if you’re having suicidal thoughts I urge you to talk to someone, even if just anonymously online.)

_[Blank]_

The room around her was silent but her heart was racing loudly in her ears. Master Katara had just left the room and she was sure there was talking going on in the adjacent one, but here there was only silence and the rapid beating of her heart. Her mind was oddly blank. There wasn’t anything to think about really, she knew what she needed to do.

The world couldn’t afford to have a crippled avatar.

The avatar was balance, the avatar was equality. And spirits knew- _she_ knew- the world needed equality now more than ever.

She could no longer supply that equality. She could no longer be that balance. She could no longer be the avatar.

She could try; she knew that. She could train her air bending to its fullest, she could learn martial arts, chi blocking, learn to use weapons. She could go back to republic city and do everything in her power to restore it to Avatar Aang and Firelord Zuko’s vision. But she would never be able to restore equilibrium to the world when she couldn’t even do it for herself. She would be cheating the world, the very people she was supposed to serve, out of the Avatar they deserved.  She would be letting down those who she was born to, and _swore_ to protect at any cost.

But no matter what she knew she had to do, some part of her wanted to try. She might succeed after all. She might be able to do it, to be able to save the world. To restore the balance somehow. It might not be as fast, it might be more sloppy. More people might have to pay the price, but she could do it. Save the world, keep it moving, live out her days with Bolin, Mako, and Asami, traveling the world, each of them helping to make up for the parts of her she now lacks. They could do it, together. With them, she might be able to do it.

But she might not. And that was not a risk she was willing to take.

_"At any cost_ " She whispered like a prayer.

She could not go back on her promise and her duty.

She _would_ not go back on her promise and her duty.

 Her mind was oddly blank.

 

_[Blink]_

She needed to go.

She ordered her body to move; it didn’t listen.

_‘get up!’_   she thought.

Her body jerked into motion, legs twisting and knees pushing awkwardly off the varnished wooden floor. She swayed into a standing position and looked towards the door. She had to go there, open it, face everyone, and do her last duty as avatar, but strangely enough all she could think of was her earth bending training.

Sensei Mata would force her to stay still while thrusting rocks at her. The earth would whiz by her head and crash into things behind her and she would wince.

‘Don’t blink! Never blink when facing an enemy, never let them effect you! Take your enemies head on; unwavering, unrelenting, unblinking!’

She blinked, and now she had to pay the price.

Korra reached out and slid open the door that separated her from everyone else. For whatever reason, it struck her as symbolic.

The soft scrape of the door sliding open seemed to end whatever discussion was taking place as every head in the room turned her way.

Korra felt her heart give a big painful thump. _Unwaivering, unrelenting, unblinking._

She steeled herself

Everyone was looking at her, concern etched into their faces.

“It’s going to be alright Korra.”

 “No. It’s not.”

She Blinked.

She forced her feet forward, one in front of the other, refusing to look anyone in the eye.

Biting cold slapped into her face as she opened the door, but she didn’t flinch, she welcomed her childhood friend with eyes wide open.

She felt clumsy on her native element, her steps unsure, _wrong_.

But she’d make it right. The question now, was how. There were many ways to do it, but a lot of them just seemed wrong.

She wouldn’t want to leave something messy for everyone else to clean up.

Everyone else.

That thought brought her up short. Was this really how she was going to do this? Leaving them her mess to clean up, without even saying goodbye?

But she couldn’t say goodbye, not really. They’d stop her. Or try to at least.

They wouldn’t understand. Well, maybe Tenzin would…and maybe even Katara, but… she couldn’t take the chance that they wouldn’t, because even though they could never really stop her, they could definitely convince her not to try. And she couldn’t have that.

She just felt blank. But that wasn’t true. It was like she was standing on ice, the element that was no longer familiar to her even though she’d spent the first seventeen years of her life on it, and swirling rapidly below it was a vast ocean of brooding emotions ready to reach up and swallow her whole. But for right now she remained above them.

She tucked her face into the worn fur of her old parka, taking a moment to appreciate the physical comfort it had offered her over the past few years, and the emotional comfort it offered her in this moment. It steadied her resolve and she felt almost stronger in her parka, like her second, thicker skin was armor against more than the prevailing cold of her home. She vaguely wondered when exactly she’d put the parka on, because she hadn’t been wearing it earlier, but quickly discarded the thought as unimportant.

“Korra, wait!”

She half turned towards the house, only now realizing that she’d stopped walking, and saw what had once been her ‘team’.  Mako was leading the pack, and the closer he got, the further the other two dropped back. She figured he had been the one to shout, but she honestly didn’t know for sure.

What she did know was that she didn’t want to talk to any of them. She turned back around and started walking again, realizing that she had unconsciously been making her way towards Naga.

She could hear Mako’s clumsy footfalls moving closer to her and a wave from that swirling ocean of emotion swept up and hit her as she realized that her own steps matched that of Mako’s feeble and fumbling attempts to navigate the alien landscape that until a few months ago was all she’d ever known.

“Go away.” Even then, the anger that was clearly, although not enthusiastically, infused in those words surprised her.

She couldn’t actually feel the anger even if it was there, but she didn’t mean it any less.

In his defense, he didn’t miss a beat. “I will, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”

Another, bigger wave, and she was sure there were things a lot more potent than anger there, but she didn’t dare figure out what. She thought she might have felt a bit of longing, but she didn’t miss a beat either, and the anger is what came out.

“No, I mean go away, back to Republic City. Get on with your life.” She said it with anger, but she meant the words. She truly hoped that he, Bolin, Asami, and everyone else would be well on their way back before anyone even thought to start looking for her. She really hoped that they would all move on and go back to enjoying the lives that they all had before they ever met her.

“I’m not the avatar anymore. You don’t need to do me any favors.” Oh yes, there was definitely longing.

“I don’t care if you’re the avatar or not. Listen, when Tarlock took you, I was losing my mind with the thought of never seeing you again.”

Korra felt her stomach drop with those words. This was why she wasn’t doing goodbyes. She didn’t want to make those words come true, but she was going to.

“I love you.”

He cupped her face in his hand and she blinked.

 Another wave hit her, this one unmistakable as she came close to truly feeling something for the first time since Katara delivered the news. Anger, white-hot, flickered at the ice and she wanted to reach down, grasp the tendrils, and let it consume her, but the finest layer of ice was in the way, keeping her from her goal.

How dare he! After everything that had happened, after he had turned her down, all the mistakes they’d made, and all the trouble it had caused! After all that, he had to choose to do this now!

She gripped his hand and tore it away from her face.

She choked a little on her words, barely forcing out a small, “I can’t.” and once again the emotions in her words didn’t match what she was actually feeling. She felt so completely off balance, exactly what she wasn’t supposed to be; the lasting proof of her failure, and the continuous reminder of why she had to do this. Suddenly she didn’t feel so bad about making his words come true.

 She wouldn’t blink.

Then she was on Naga and she was hurtling forward and the wind was whipping in her hair fast enough to tell her that her friend wasn’t holding back, and she was thankful for all of it. Even if _she_ no longer fit into this world, it was obvious that Naga still did.

She let that anger, or that want for anger fuel her for a while, but soon enough even that left her.

The wind whipped her eyes, and soon enough, she had to blink.

 

_[Breathe]_

She was pushing Naga hard. She could feel her furry friend flagging under the demanding pace. She could feel the wind whipping her hair and face. She felt a vast ocean of emptiness inside of her. She missed her native element.

Her eyes opened and she knew how she wanted to do it.

She turned Naga in a slightly different direction.

It didn’t take them long to reach the ocean. It didn’t take them long to find the cliffs.

The cliffs sheer faces gleamed in the sun, reflecting light into the water and making odd patterns on its surface.

She watched the water’s tide. Saw the slow, powerful pushing and pulling; the in-and-out heartbeat of the ocean’s depths.

But she couldn’t feel it.

She felt a dull thud inside of her chest that reminded her that her heartbeat was still very much there.

She took a deep breath of the cold tundra air and slid off Naga.

She turned to her lifelong friend and wrapped an arm around her strong neck.

She pushed her head into the polar bear-dog’s floppy ears and spoke, “I love you.”

Naga nuzzled her neck, clearly returning the affection.

"But you have to go."

Naga stilled.

"Go back to everyone else."

Naga growled deep in her throat.

In a moment of panic she realized that she had final words. Final instructions. Things that had to be done that couldn’t be done by her.

She pulled away from Naga and started digging franticly into her coat pockets, praying that she hadn’t cleaned it out since Amon had attacked Air Temple Island. Since the week before that when Tenzin had given her some money to go to the new mini-golf place that had opened up (“The first outside of the earth Ba Sing Se!”). Since the bubble popping teenager had handed her a card and an odd little calligraphy pen-

Which was now clutched securely in her hand.

She’d never been so thankful that the white lotus’s teachings on cleanliness had never sunk in.

She let herself fall back onto her haunches next to Naga. Letting the hulking polar bear-dog block some of the wind, and flattened the crinkled score card out on her knee.

She paused, looking at the names on it.

Tenzin’s offer had been a transparent attempt to get her mind off of her capture and Amon’s looming figure. He was offering her a day off of training with just her friends out in the city. But when she announced where she was going to Pema at lunch and saw the kid’s faces drop when they were told that they couldn’t go, she was quick to invite them along.

The looks on their faces when she’d asked Tenzin if it were alright with him was well worth it even if Meelo was quick to lose interest after he was told he couldn’t air bend the golf balls into the holes.

Ikki and Jinora were quick to accept though, and as apparent as Tenzin’s attempt was, it worked.

She’d had a wonderful day-one of the best days she’d spent in republic city. She’d felt like a normal teenager, out with friends-and family.

It was fun to see Mako act less serious, and to see Jinora act like the ten year old kid she really was.

The highlight of the night was the walk back. Everyone was walking side-by-side down the city streets, Ikki was being entertained by Bolin and Asami, who were each grabbing one of her hands and swinging her between them, before giving her a harder swing and releasing her on the count of three. Ikki would use her air bending to boost herself and would fly into the air with a squeal and laughter, jumping around excitedly for a while before going back to Bolin and Asami to do it again.

Mako was walking slightly in front of them, hands in his pockets, and head turned to watch the events that were unfolding around his brother with a small smile on his face.

Korra was hanging slightly back from the group, choosing not to take part in the craziness for once, instead choosing to watch her friends, her _friends_ (which she had now), with a ridiculous smile slapped onto her face. She was caught off guard when Jinora, who had been walking beside her quietly the whole time, reached up and gave her shirt a tug. When it was clear she had gotten the older girl’s attention, she spoke.

"Thanks. For letting us come."

She shuffled a bit awkwardly and looked away.

"I know you probably would rather have just gone with your friends…"

She trailed off, which was fine with Korra because she’d just about heard enough of that.

She reached over and grabbed Jinora’s shoulder, making the girl look back at her.

"I asked you to come because I wanted you to come."

Jinora looked at her for a few seconds like she was trying to see if she was lying. Then she smiled, apparently deciding that she hadn’t been.

Korra smiled back at the girl and kneeled down.

She reached back and patted her shoulder, “Hop on.”

The girl was slow to react, so Korra gave her another tug and turned her back to her.

"Come on, we’re falling behind."

Barely a second passed before the younger girl was clambering onto her shoulders unsteadily.

When she stood back up, she felt Jinora gripping onto her wolftail a bit too tightly.

In response Korra grasped her legs more firmly.

"Don’t worry, I won’t drop you!"

And then she took off running through the crowd to catch up to their companions.

By the time they caught up, Jinora was laughing, bending the air around them to lessen their drag.

When Ikki saw them coming she yelled “Race!” bending herself into Bolin’s shoulders, and slapping his head in a clear urge to get him moving. And he did.

Soon they were all running, laughing, and dodging their fellow pedestrians in a bid to reach the island first.

She and Jinora had won. Bypassing the others by swimming across the bay, bending propelling them forward far faster than any boat, steam powered or not.

It was a good day, but it wasn’t what she was supposed to be thinking about right now.

She flipped the card over to its blank side, physically trying to banish the memories.

A particularly cold wind whipped by, and it helped her do exactly that.

Staring down at the small blank paper, she knew what she wanted to write, what she needed to tell them, but she didn’t know who to address it to.

After a few seconds of indecision she decided not to address it to anyone.

She started writing what would serve as her last will and testament.

The calligraphy pen was dry and it took a bit of convincing before it started working.

‘ _Look for the next one. I know the earth kingdom is large, but don’t just look in the main cities, they could be anywhere._

_Find them before the white lotus and DO NOT let them take the kid._

_I’m sorry to put this kind of responsibility on you, but please, train them yourselves, keep them from the white lotus._

_If their parents are still alive, don’t take them away from the kid._

_Train them and help them._

_I’m sorry_ ‘

She hesitated for a moment before signing.

‘ _Korra_ ‘

Just Korra.

She stared at the note for longer than she probably should have before turning fully to Naga and tucking the note securely under the intersection of straps across her chest.

She stood, feeling free of a burden all the while feeling bound to her fate.

She turned to Naga.

"Go." She said.

"You have to go now, Naga."

She pointed back the way they came.

"Go back to them Naga."

She watched as the polar bear-dog stood, but didn’t move any further.

“ _Now_.” She spoke firmly.

That did it. With one last look and a mournful baying to the wind, Naga had turned the way they had come, fulfilling her owner’s final request.

Korra watched Naga running, zig-zagging more than she normally would, a howl sometimes peaking over the wind and making its way back to her. It took a fair chunk of time for Naga to disappear from view completely, but Korra wasn’t too focused on time now.

Finally alone, Korra made her way to the very edge of the cliff.

She bent slightly and looked down.

Suddenly the unusual calm that had overtaken her since she’d written her note was gone. Replaced by the frantic beating of her heart, a weakening in her knees, and the certain knowledge that she didn’t want to die.

She felt the wind whip across her face and push at her back, a natural sense of vertigo overtaking her, making her instinctually want to step back from the edge. She didn’t let herself, knowing that this instinct was one of self-preservation. Something that would be entirely counterproductive.

She stared out at the horizon, at its endless reach around the world. Like a polar bear-dog chasing its tail. Or Korra desperately trying to hold the world together and complete her duties as the Avatar.

_‘An endless struggle.’_ She thought sarcastically.

She attempted to gather her courage, tried to plan exactly how she wanted to do it. Just step off? Jump? Should she use air bending to propel herself?

Every time she thought she knew what she wanted to do, she just…wouldn’t. It wasn’t a complete freeze, her mind would still be working just as quickly and just as well, but her body just wouldn’t move.

She huffed at herself in annoyance and rolled her shoulders, stretching her arms out a bit.

She rolled her eyes and let out a small chuckle, taking a step back and loosening her legs a bit. Maybe _planning_ how to die wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe like most things she does, she needs to just-

And then her body was vaulting over the edge.

-do it.

Her heart was beating rapidly, the wind thrashing by her in an exhilarating manor that she’d never experienced with air bending. A true freefall. And she thought she’d never done anything as independent and free as she had in that moment, nothing had ever been more her choice than-

She hit what felt like densely packed dirt. She thinks she felt her arms break, but the thought is rent from her mind almost as quickly as the thought it when suddenly all she could think or feel was the cold. The cold of the arctic seas as it seeped into her broken bones, and she couldn’t breathe, lungs too frozen to even try to function in a place where air’s power is irrelevant. And it’s fitting because she never could get the hang of air bending and here she was dying in her native element. And her mind had seized; only scattered thoughts floated passed the synapses that refused to send impulses out to her failing, broken limbs.

_Don’t blink. Never Blink._

She forced her eyes open and saw nothing.

* * *

Korra woke up with eyes open.

She sat up almost immediately and froze.

Because the world was blue.

And so was Tenzin.

"Hello Korra."

He spoke but that wasn’t his voice.

She moved to get up, but stopped. She was blue too.

She looked back up at Tenzin and felt panic spread through her because she, and Tenzin, and everything, weren’t just blue, but see though, and that wasn’t Tenzin, and the last thing she remembered was jumping into a sea at the bottom of the world, and that all meant she could only be in one place.

She’d made it. She’d gotten to the place she was told she had to get to all her life, but it was wrong, it was all so wrong.

"Aang?" Her voice sounded uncertain, but it was smoother than she could ever remember it being in the living world.

And that was all it took.

She slid back down to the ground, panic intensifying as she thought about Tenzin. And Katara, and her parents, and Pema, and Meelo, and Ikki, and Jinora, and Asami, and Bolin, and Mako, and Naga, and how she’d left them behind, and her thoughts from earlier that they would have talked her out of it haunted her- _because maybe they had a good reason to talk her out of it._

"Korra."

Then Aang was right in front of her. His hands on her shaking arms, steadying her and leaning close.

He spoke in the softest whisper, sorrow and pride battling openly on his face.

"You did the right thing."

Her body ceased to shake, her body ceased to do anything while she felt the words take hold. Words she’d never heard in all her life- she caught herself when she realized that her life was done.

Then he said it again.

It was something she’d now heard only in death. And she’d never felt more assured or reassured than she did right now, with Aang, in the spirit world.

And again.

She felt tears drip down her cheeks and a burden that she’d never lived without, lift from her soul.

She’d been told many things in her life, some uplifting, some painful, but she’d never been told _that_ before.

Aang drew her into his arms and spoke brokenly into her ear.

"I am so _very_ proud of you.”

And then, even though there was no air here, and she was pretty sure there were no lungs inside of her body, she felt herself breathe, truly breathe for what felt like the very first time.


End file.
